In all honesty, I think I have now, in my life, probably some of the greatest friends that a person could ever ask for. I love every single one of them with all my heart, even though some of them are farther away than I would like. Any time they need a sympathetic ear, I'm always available for them, and I truly hope they all know that without me needing to tell them. But there is one major underlying problem, and it's not with them, it's entirely with me. Someone I care very deeply about actually questioned our friendship because of this.
Like I said, I always try to be available to anyone I care about when they need someone. I'll lend a sympathetic ear about anything, won't try to tell people what they need to do to fix their problems, because that's not what they're looking for, and will provide advice when asked (although I'm always better at giving than following my own, but I digress). The problem is, I don't make use of the friends that I have for the same things that I am always available to them for.
Ok, is this really a bad thing? In all honesty, yes. It's definitely not good for me to sit around bottling up all my emotion and rage about a bad situation until everything explodes in this gigantic ball of a horrible depressive state where I go completely off the deep end and shut myself off from the entire world and hate everything and everyone around me. That's just not healthy.
The big question is, why do I do this to myself? It's not a lack of trust. It's more that I have an inability to talk about myself in some ways. It doesn't seem to matter who the person is, when I try to talk about me, and how I feel, and what my problems are, I just shut the fuck up and don't know what to say. I feel like, by talking about what is wrong in my life makes me a burden on other people. I know, it sounds silly, right? It's just something that I can't seem to get by. Maybe it's part of the reason why all of my relationships have failed. I'm not a bad communicator, I'm just a bad communicator when it comes to me.
So, what ends up happening? Vaguebooking, a lot of the time. We all do it, stop looking at me like that. And, from the Vaguebooking, sometimes I'll get a message from a friend making sure I'm doing ok. My general response? Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, I'll be ok, although that is really not always the case.
I need to start reaching out to people when I'm in need, because that's what friends are there for, right? True friends, that is. The ones who stick by you through the good and the bad.
Just another thing to add to Work In Progress.